In everyone’s life we reach that point of self actualization. The discovery of ones self and the finding of my inner me basically. Usually people go on a journey to try find themselves and who they really are because let’s face it, all we want in this world is to belong and some times that’s just harder than it seems.
I’m tired of the whole male bravado facade I’ve been carrying for the past two years. I’m tired of being someone that hurts people with sharp worlds that pierce hearts and souls. I’m tired of being perceived to be of a certain nature when I’m not. My mother raised me better than this I believe. She raised me to be a gentleman, a lover of all things beautiful. What would she think if she saw the man that I have become. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I really don’t feel like the man starring right back at me is me. I have managed to create such a male chauvinist character for myself that its what I’m recognized by.
I am a man, I am not afraid to cry when I’m hurt and I am not afraid to feel when I’m supposed. I am not afraid to care for others who wouldn’t show the same care to me. So what went wrong. What do I fear most. What made me the person I am today. What momentous event took place for me to be derailed from the path I have been walking on for the past 18 years of my life.
I wish I had the answers to all theses questions. I wish I could go back in time and do things right. I wish I could be me, the real me. I want to be me again. I have managed to rack up a considerable number of broken hearts and broken friendships. I wish I could take back all those unnecessary words that I said to deliberately inflict pain on others back. I wish my foul mouth and some what toxic brain could be wiped clean. I wish my slate could be wiped clean and all my sins forgiven. I want to start over. I want to wake up tomorrow a new man. With morals and dreams.
But I am a coward. I have built such a hard shell around my heart that it refuses to go back to its vulnerable state. I don’t think being vulnerable makes you weak anymore. After careful thought I actually think it makes you wiser and stronger. ” No pain, no gain” right and what better way to experience all of this than to feel pain, Than to indulge in life. Don’t hold back no matter what. If you love, love with all your heart, if you care, care so much it defeats.
I’m tired. I’ve lived through too many things to be doubting life.
Life’s to short to be a dick.
POETIC DICTATOR 